It's that time again. Sierra is due for her MRI, and it will be done tomorrow morning. (06/29/2015) Even though her symptoms have spaced out and become more manageable, anxiety is through the roof tonight.
Please join us in praying with and for her for no regrowth. We need a clear scan. Her neurosurgeon had to move her appointment almost a month out. I'm hoping we can get the results through the pediatrician's office before then....otherwise it's going to be a long.......anxious month.
I haven't posted much the past month. Mostly because I was incredibly busy with my class and just the day to day stuff with six kids, doctor appointments, etc. But also, because I haven't been in a great place and simply could not find the words to write. Being transparent isn't something I'm great at, and I'll probably edit this a hundred times before the night is over....but for now, here's a bit of our truth, for what it's worth. Someone made a comment today about how strong we are, and how they're not sure how they could handle things the way we are. Truth is, we're handling it as best as we can, but we're also struggling and we're not always as strong as we 'appear' or as strong as we like to pretend to be. We have our moments of weakness. This particular week has been incredibly difficult, and has brought the worst out of Ken and I, as far as patience and strength go. I think we've put so much pressure onto ourselves to be 'strong' instead of allowing moments of weakness to come and giving it a few minutes to pass. We're working on finding our grounding again, and trying to remember that we don't have to be 'strong' all the time, and that these moments of weakness can be okay. The weight of it all has just caught up. Not just Sierra's diagnoses, but everything else as well--good and bad. Emotions are raw. Fears are real. Numbness has worn off, anxiety is unmanageable at times. Not always. But sometimes. We've lived our worst nightmare when we lost Arianna. Now another one of our children is fighting the battle of her life, and at times it feels impossible and excruciatingly crushing and paralyzing and leaves us hanging by a frayed thread. We're having a hard time sitting still. On her good days, it feels so important to make the most of EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. To make memories, to not waste a second. Sitting still equals running thoughts, and running thoughts equals facing reality, facing our uncertain future, facing the pain, facing the lack of control, which isn't a fun place to be. And at the same time, it's also on her good days, that I seem to crumble the most. It's on her good days, I guess I feel like I can let my guard down and feel the feelings, since I don't have to be so strong on those days. It's been a battle, and sometimes one I'm not sure we're strong enough to win. This is just hard stuff! But with the consistent support of soooooo many people and leaning on our faith--as much as we can, we're making it, even when it feels impossible. So thank you to all of you for your constant support, for your ongoing prayers, for your calls, texts and messages. We might not respond to all or many of them, but please know, we do appreciate it more than anything, and that we're not ignoring you.
On another note, the other kids are doing pretty good. Summer is here, and our days often consist of the lake, library, park days, play dates, bowling, swimming, kayaking and hiking, concerts in the park, jumping off waterfalls, massive thunderstorms and playing in the rain. Summer camps will be starting soon, and they will probably be going to both grief camp as well as church camp. Shortly after that, soccer season starts. We went camping last weekend in Yosemite, which was a great time for everyone. Bryce turns 5 on Wednesday, and I'm not quite sure how that happened. My high energy, smart, creative, adorable, strong and expert comedian with a heart bigger than he can contain, keeping us on our toes child is turning 5. No one he meets is a stranger, and he loves giving random hugs to everyone. Happy Birthday, sweet boy.
Sharing some recent pictures to end this. Again, please pray for these scans tomorrow, and pray for our anxiety levels. Thanks!
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